Day 1 after breaking up..

well like i said..i went to the clinic today after exam..
just got some gastric pills and sleeping pills..sleeping pills? why? bcos i cant sleep at all seriously..
sigh..

i miss him..
today.. just all of a sudden felicia send me a msg that she duwan to be friends with choon meng anymore.. i wonder why.. why all of a sudden..? whats wrong now?
sigh.. i swear i got nothing to do with this.. i don`t even know why all sudden why she is doing this..even i msg choon meng at 4pm he didnt reply.. y? is he bz?
or is he trying to ignore me..
im starting to think too much now!! IM WORRIED! i really hope the answer is that he is bz or either taking a nap..

PAIN.. IM SERIOUSLY in pain!!! while doing exam..oh gosh..my stomach hurts and even my heart..
sigh.. all i can do is drink water..
no appetite.. i wanna eat but i cant..i feel like puking each time i see food now..why?

i msg choon meng yesterday..well when i ask him..i said
`choon meng,will u wait for me ? i want to let you know that i will wait for you?`
he didnt answer..he dont dare to..
ended up he didnt reply me also..
at least give me an answer or a reply..i really need it..
cos im still wondering now..
i will wait no matter what even if he says no..
but i know deep down his heart.. he want me to..but he don`t want me to be tie to him ..
he want me to consider other boys too..thats very sweet of him..
but i really want him to know that im waiting..im willing to wait..
its not stupid..its love..
i love him and i will wait..
and i wan him to know that im waiting so that he could work harder..
work harder and settle everything as soon as possible..
then that time..i really hope he will come back to me..
i want him to be happy and have great achievements for his results..
i also realise that I been selfish too.. i did ..but i love him thats y im not willing to let go..
i need to do this for his own good yes..
but seriously he really cant concentrate and all i have to let him go..
no use forcing..i also don`t want to see him sad..and fail and his parents really spent a lot for his studies and he don`t want to let them down.. i know..
i really hope that he is concentrating..
but at that same time im scare that he will fall for another gal too a better one...
but i trust him..i knw he won`t do that cos he said he wont find another gal cos he really want to concentrate on his studies..
i hope he won`t let me down..
So PLease don`t let me down choon meng! study hard!

like i said..
i hope once everything is settled..he can concentrate..i hope he will come back to me..
and i hope that he still loves me even now.. even we cant be together..thats really important to me.. i hope his love won`t change for me..thats what i really want..
im really really looking forward to be with him
in the future..

even though we`re not couples now..
i really still hope we can still chat ..
you know ..last time
everyday after skool,
he will send me a msg.. with `muacks` its sweet.. it makes me feels good to be home and its really warm and after a long day in skool and a msg with a `muax` its really helps alot and very very warming i feel welcomed ..he is very sweet..

but today of cos.. there`s no more.. i wanted to msg him.. but i cant.. i afraid that he`s bz..im afraid to bother him i afraid to annoyed him..so i control myself.. i really did..
until 4pm..i couldnt control myself already..i was afraid that he forgot about me..
so i just msg him and ask what happen between him and felicia..
ya and i didnt get any reply..
and i start feeling sad again.. i tot i could chat with him for awhile..
well maybe he`s taking a nap..
i don`t know..im starting to think again.. think here and there again..
im start worrying bou tis again..i will be like..is it he is ignoring or he duwan to talk to me anymore..
since yesterday he didnt reply me..
it really does hurts me..
cos its like he duwan to talk to me anymore and no answer from him..
sigh..
i really miss him..i do..
i love him.. he is very important to me.. he is..
he needs to concentrate on his studies yes..i have to understand that..i have to control myself.. but please.. at least a reply it will make me feel better.. at least a reply i knw he still treat me as a fren and he doesnt hates me..
i really afraid that he said he will hate me.. cos he did said it be4 that he is starting to hate me when i start involving his frens and it makes me feel bad and im very sorry about it.. i even hate myself for doing it but still i knw why i did..i was trying my best to ask him back and in the end it didnt work out ..and instead of that i make him even more angry and he started to say he hates me..but i wonder..did he really mean it? but it did really put me into tears a lot..
my heart really felt like it has stop beating already that time.. i could think ntg else but sorry..
i wonder when will i start to forget bou tis..i know i shudnt have done that..it will push him even away n more further.. so thats y i agree to stay as his fren.. i dun wan him to hate me at all..I really don`t want to..
at least being frens we still can talk.. meet each other i guess?i didnt ask but is he willing to meet me..?
even if he is nt willing to meet me is ok.. i will be standing looking at him at peek him once and see hw is he doing ..thats really enough for me but at the same time im sad too of course..
i still loves him..
i really want him to do well in his studies..so that there is a hope for me.. a hope for me that i really want.. that is being back together with him..
its really sad that felicia told me that he finds me annoying and he is fed up that i keep msging him.. thats y im afraid to msg him..i have to let him calm down and if he wants to talk to me.. he will msg me.. but what if he don`t.. thats what im afraid too..
i have so much things in my mind till i can`t even sleep..
i miss everything like last time.
every morning i wake up i knw that i have him and he is there for me..
now i have to get used to tis.. i feel lonely.. i feel desperate now..i feel hurt..

he became the meaning of my life..
he`s the greatest guy that i ever met and the happiest guy that i ever be with..
he pampers me alot.. i know.. he loves me alot i knw.. he sacrifices for me alot.. especially time..he put so much effort in this relationship but its sad that it has to end like this..
its hard for him too but i really hope he will work hard ..work harder and concentrate everything and be back together with me thats what i want!
i want him to do well in his studies!

i want to be with him as soon as possible though he didn`t promise anything..
but i hope he still loves me and cares and his love remains for me the same.. thats what i want..
i hope i can still msg him and chat and receive a reply from him..
i hope he miss me..

i really hope that he will put our picture again up in friendster again.. but ya im touched that he put a picture and wrote there that `he stills loves me`
i believe in him..

well i always dream.. i always dream that..
one day.. after my spm.. after my spm..the last day of exam.. he will be waiting for me outside my school with flowers in his hands waiting for me.. waiting for me to come out..congratulate me for my hard work that spm is over .. spm is over.. i really will cry and run to him n hug him straight away..nothing else.. i just want to say i love him and i want be with him...