pain

my life is doomed...

i still...

Although our love is over, it remains
An unfrequented garden in my heart,
Its beauty quite inseparable from pain,
A wilderness where once was willful art.

I hope a little piece of you is still
Reserved for me, a place you may not go,
But where my room, untenanted, can fill
A moment with my music, sweet and slow.

There are no wishes like a former lover's
That from the dark, repentant night must shine.
And so though we have both moved on to others,
I send you from afar this Valentine.

I find my happiness in loving you.

I find my happiness in loving you. Though my love is not returned, I don't mind waiting. The woods are a cathedral where I pray For the beauty and grace that lie within my heart. You hold me and we kiss, and yet not yet Is there the unity that love must crave. You want me, but not as I want you: This truth is like a wreckage on my sea. There's no one else I hunger for, nor touch That makes me feel I must take off my skin; And so I'll wait as years pile up like leaves, And long with the lonely patience of the moon.

the first time I have ever loved

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This is the first time I have ever loved;
Yours, the first face I can not forget.
I think you are afraid, perhaps, and moved
To wonder whether you should do this yet.
I also am afraid, and yet I know
That wonder is a thing that needs a yes;
Should you step back and let this moment go,
Both you and I will have to live with less.
Please trust my love, as I must trust in yours.
It's strong as steel, as delicate as lace,
Immovable as battered granite shores:
I feel its power and unremitting grace.
So come, my love, and try this love with me;
Let your love speak, and then you will agree.

I`m afraid

I am afraid to love, and yet I love you.
My fear is like a wall I walk right through.
The wall is there, and yet it doesn't stop me.
I need it still, and yet I still need you.

I know someday we will be in a field
Surrounded by the blessing of the sky.
I'll dance with all the freedom of pure joy,
Needing you without a reason why.

But now I'm still afraid that I might lose you,
That you might not accept my desperate need.
You make me laugh and cry and be completely.
You are the flower, I the slender reed.

everytime i see you i remember

Every time I see you I remember
All the things you did for me when I
Was going through my adolescent hell.
Yet now I cannot speak unless I cry.

I know you are no longer free to see me;
You've made your choice, and that I must respect.
But I've a need to say that I still love you.
I have no fear or pride I need protect.

Just as the sun must come back every morning
To shine upon the meadow it holds dear,
So I will from afar shine on your glory,
And hope someday again you'll let me near.

my dear friend

Father god,
i pray that my dear sweet friend, Felicia..that she will be alright and hope that she can overcome any hardship that she is going through like rumours and studies and so on..i pray that there will be no more rumours talking about her so that she can go on making friends easily and happily.. all this pray in Jesus name Amen..


take care felicia!

what i love about you...

What I Love About You

I love the way you look at me,
Your eyes so bright and cute.
I love the way you kiss me,
Your lips so soft and smooth.

I love the way you make me so happy,
And the ways you show you care.
I love the way you say, "I Love You,"
And the way you're always there.

I love the way you touch me,
Always sending chills down my spine.
I love that you are with me,
And glad that you are mine before..

love

Aww.. In Love again...^^

sigh

gt scolding becos i cant eat...
after i ate i puke..
whats this...

stress..
im starting to hate life..
nobody cares bou me..
ppl starting to ignore me..
everybody hates me..

pain..not yet recover

cant eat properly..
so far i ate 3 meals in this 6 days..
all i did was drank water and milk..

i still miss him.. i feel so horrible.. i feel so sad..
im pushing him further and further away..

i love him.. i really do..
now i know it really hurts me alot that he`s gone.. its too late..
but before that i do love him very much too..
since he`s gone.. i can`t stop thinking bou him..
all the memories that we been through together is still in my mind always..

happy that i get to be with him but im very sad that it ends like this..
how i wish i could be him once more..
this time i really want to make things better and for him..
no more trouble..i knw im very demanding..im sorry.. i really do.. i will change..
i know all my mistakes.. i really do..i want to change and
i will..
i really do..
i mean it..
i love him..i love him very very much..

brings back memories..

makes me cry whenever i hear this..

gastric..

yesterday.. i did something very wrong which i tot i could make things better..
i added one of choon meng`s college fren in msn ..
i tot it was his college fren but no.. its his college fren gf..
i added her because i tot could knw more bou choon meng without msg him everyday cos i miss him n i keep thinking bou him but it just make things worst..
at first she came on9 and i said hi..
then she ask me whether im choon mengs gf..then i correct her n said im his ex..
then things started..she quickly msn choon meng and said what happen and so on..
and choon meng started to hate me.. he say im bothering his frens..
all i wan to do is try to make things better bt instead of that..
things becoming worst and worst it really hurts me so so much till i wanna die..
cos choon meng said he duwan to be frenz with me anymore and ask me to stop bother him..
i really didnt ask for help just to knw her.. all i really wan is to knw bou choon meng n hw is he ..i care for him..but it turn in a opposite way..choon meng`s fren`s gf help me and ended up she argue with her bf which i reli didnt knw.. but i reli didnt ask for help and didnt tell her anything..i just said that choon meng will hate me now since she told him bou me.. just in a few secs the relationship is over...

i can`t do anything now..

now.. he hate me..
no more chance anymore..
i feel pain very pain.. i can`t study and eat..
its very very painful..
but i honestly i didnt knw what i was doing .. all this time i keep thinking and saying i wan him back ..i want him back so badly..but now it ended becoming a disaster..im a stranger and outsider to him now..
i seriously made a very big mistake tis time

im hopeless now..i feel like dying ..i really do..
im working on to change my attitude now..
i don`t want him to feel more annoyed anymore..even though we`re not friends anymore..

suffering from depression.. the only medicine i need ..its him

today well..
exam was okay.. sigh gastric again.. the pain is making me even harder to eat..
didnt eat lunch and breakfast today..
only drank milk and water..

sigh.. im very depressed..
i miss him.. i miss talking to him.. i miss the hug and kisses everything.. looking back at the pictures bring backs lots of memories.. happy memories that makes me cry..
i lost him..

i love him..im willing to change and do whatever as long as he`s back with me..im seriously cant stand the pain.. its like been 5days now..
i still can`t eat properly..sigh..

i want to message him.. but i don`t want to bother him.. i know he feels dat im very annoying to him now.. ya its sad but i understand.. i been bothering him for 3days just to ask him back and he starting to avoid talking to me tat much already since that day..
im sad..
im very sad..
im still not over it..i cant lie to myself.. been crying like almost everyday..
its tough..i dun feel loved anymore..i feel like im made of stone now..
no feelings at all ..just sad.. and all i want is him..

its hard.. its hard.. its really sad..im really sad..
i almost fell down from the staircase today..feeling dizzy.. urgh.. lucky that there` s no one behind me..i don`t want them to fall dwn after i slipped..can hardly mix around and talk..


i knw..
i shouldn`t be so emotional..
i realise that
i always think too much till here and there and feeling imsecure and ended up arguing..
i realise its tough for him , its like when we argue,we`re like very sad and its hard to study and stay focus especially in college..
i know that..
but i didnt mean to.. i really didnt mean to..
but its too late.. i lost him..
i lost him already..
it still hurts me alot...

i want him back..i really do.. but i can`t do anything..
i seriously can`t.. i don`t want him to be more stress up and all..
all i want is..i want to be with him.. msg less n talk less n meet less is ok for me now..
i realised that now..i been so childish and always wanted his attention always to comfort me..

i don`t need that now.. i learn my lesson.. i really did..
if i ever get the chance to be back with him..i really will change into someone who doesnt give him any more trouble to worried bou and think of ..instead of all that trouble i`ll make things easier for him..i really want to..

i want to wait..
im waiting for the chance though i know the answer is `no`
im really waiting for miracle to happen..
silly me..but that`s what i want..

Day 1 after breaking up..

well like i said..i went to the clinic today after exam..
just got some gastric pills and sleeping pills..sleeping pills? why? bcos i cant sleep at all seriously..
sigh..

i miss him..
today.. just all of a sudden felicia send me a msg that she duwan to be friends with choon meng anymore.. i wonder why.. why all of a sudden..? whats wrong now?
sigh.. i swear i got nothing to do with this.. i don`t even know why all sudden why she is doing this..even i msg choon meng at 4pm he didnt reply.. y? is he bz?
or is he trying to ignore me..
im starting to think too much now!! IM WORRIED! i really hope the answer is that he is bz or either taking a nap..

PAIN.. IM SERIOUSLY in pain!!! while doing exam..oh gosh..my stomach hurts and even my heart..
sigh.. all i can do is drink water..
no appetite.. i wanna eat but i cant..i feel like puking each time i see food now..why?

i msg choon meng yesterday..well when i ask him..i said
`choon meng,will u wait for me ? i want to let you know that i will wait for you?`
he didnt answer..he dont dare to..
ended up he didnt reply me also..
at least give me an answer or a reply..i really need it..
cos im still wondering now..
i will wait no matter what even if he says no..
but i know deep down his heart.. he want me to..but he don`t want me to be tie to him ..
he want me to consider other boys too..thats very sweet of him..
but i really want him to know that im waiting..im willing to wait..
its not stupid..its love..
i love him and i will wait..
and i wan him to know that im waiting so that he could work harder..
work harder and settle everything as soon as possible..
then that time..i really hope he will come back to me..
i want him to be happy and have great achievements for his results..
i also realise that I been selfish too.. i did ..but i love him thats y im not willing to let go..
i need to do this for his own good yes..
but seriously he really cant concentrate and all i have to let him go..
no use forcing..i also don`t want to see him sad..and fail and his parents really spent a lot for his studies and he don`t want to let them down.. i know..
i really hope that he is concentrating..
but at that same time im scare that he will fall for another gal too a better one...
but i trust him..i knw he won`t do that cos he said he wont find another gal cos he really want to concentrate on his studies..
i hope he won`t let me down..
So PLease don`t let me down choon meng! study hard!

like i said..
i hope once everything is settled..he can concentrate..i hope he will come back to me..
and i hope that he still loves me even now.. even we cant be together..thats really important to me.. i hope his love won`t change for me..thats what i really want..
im really really looking forward to be with him
in the future..

even though we`re not couples now..
i really still hope we can still chat ..
you know ..last time
everyday after skool,
he will send me a msg.. with `muacks` its sweet.. it makes me feels good to be home and its really warm and after a long day in skool and a msg with a `muax` its really helps alot and very very warming i feel welcomed ..he is very sweet..

but today of cos.. there`s no more.. i wanted to msg him.. but i cant.. i afraid that he`s bz..im afraid to bother him i afraid to annoyed him..so i control myself.. i really did..
until 4pm..i couldnt control myself already..i was afraid that he forgot about me..
so i just msg him and ask what happen between him and felicia..
ya and i didnt get any reply..
and i start feeling sad again.. i tot i could chat with him for awhile..
well maybe he`s taking a nap..
i don`t know..im starting to think again.. think here and there again..
im start worrying bou tis again..i will be like..is it he is ignoring or he duwan to talk to me anymore..
since yesterday he didnt reply me..
it really does hurts me..
cos its like he duwan to talk to me anymore and no answer from him..
sigh..
i really miss him..i do..
i love him.. he is very important to me.. he is..
he needs to concentrate on his studies yes..i have to understand that..i have to control myself.. but please.. at least a reply it will make me feel better.. at least a reply i knw he still treat me as a fren and he doesnt hates me..
i really afraid that he said he will hate me.. cos he did said it be4 that he is starting to hate me when i start involving his frens and it makes me feel bad and im very sorry about it.. i even hate myself for doing it but still i knw why i did..i was trying my best to ask him back and in the end it didnt work out ..and instead of that i make him even more angry and he started to say he hates me..but i wonder..did he really mean it? but it did really put me into tears a lot..
my heart really felt like it has stop beating already that time.. i could think ntg else but sorry..
i wonder when will i start to forget bou tis..i know i shudnt have done that..it will push him even away n more further.. so thats y i agree to stay as his fren.. i dun wan him to hate me at all..I really don`t want to..
at least being frens we still can talk.. meet each other i guess?i didnt ask but is he willing to meet me..?
even if he is nt willing to meet me is ok.. i will be standing looking at him at peek him once and see hw is he doing ..thats really enough for me but at the same time im sad too of course..
i still loves him..
i really want him to do well in his studies..so that there is a hope for me.. a hope for me that i really want.. that is being back together with him..
its really sad that felicia told me that he finds me annoying and he is fed up that i keep msging him.. thats y im afraid to msg him..i have to let him calm down and if he wants to talk to me.. he will msg me.. but what if he don`t.. thats what im afraid too..
i have so much things in my mind till i can`t even sleep..
i miss everything like last time.
every morning i wake up i knw that i have him and he is there for me..
now i have to get used to tis.. i feel lonely.. i feel desperate now..i feel hurt..

he became the meaning of my life..
he`s the greatest guy that i ever met and the happiest guy that i ever be with..
he pampers me alot.. i know.. he loves me alot i knw.. he sacrifices for me alot.. especially time..he put so much effort in this relationship but its sad that it has to end like this..
its hard for him too but i really hope he will work hard ..work harder and concentrate everything and be back together with me thats what i want!
i want him to do well in his studies!

i want to be with him as soon as possible though he didn`t promise anything..
but i hope he still loves me and cares and his love remains for me the same.. thats what i want..
i hope i can still msg him and chat and receive a reply from him..
i hope he miss me..

i really hope that he will put our picture again up in friendster again.. but ya im touched that he put a picture and wrote there that `he stills loves me`
i believe in him..

well i always dream.. i always dream that..
one day.. after my spm.. after my spm..the last day of exam.. he will be waiting for me outside my school with flowers in his hands waiting for me.. waiting for me to come out..congratulate me for my hard work that spm is over .. spm is over.. i really will cry and run to him n hug him straight away..nothing else.. i just want to say i love him and i want be with him...

I`m willing to wait

honestly..im very sad.. yes but abit better than be4..
i feel betray today..i hope u guys will appreciate your friends and don`t be selfish to get what you want..think of their situation and try to put yourself in there and you will know how they feel..
firstly i want thank vivian,kheng lam,felicia,caleb and suneel..
i been asking them for advices and help to get choon meng back..
even though i can`t get him back im grateful and i appreciate the help..
im sorry..i didnt meant to get your friends to be involved in this but..
sigh..i really want you..i cant let go.. i love you..
i got no one else to go to do you noe that?
i cant go to felicia or vivian or suneel anymore because i ask them 4 help alot times alredy and even though they talk to u ..u still won`t come back to me.. thats y.. i tot of caleb..
please don`t be angry..
please don`t hate me.. i really feel so hopeless and all i want is be back together with you..thats all so i look for help everywhere that i can..
please understand..

now im willing to let go i hope u will keep your promises to me..
i really hope... please..
i lose you nw.. all i just ask is a little small favour..
i know i cant be with u anymore..
Please..i really want you to do it for me..

i love him.. i still loves him. i even pray very hard since thursday morning till today that i hoping that lord jEsus will give me at least hope and miracle to get back be with him.. but it didnt happen..
maybe there is a reason for it..why it didnt happen..

all i can say is..even though i cant be his girlfriend..i cant hug and hold him..
i still want to care for him..i wan to see him to be successful too and happy..
i happy that he love me be4 and he nvr nvr cheat on me be4
but i do afraid that one day someone will take him aways from him..
because i love him..is like who will willing to lose someone that they love..
i wish i could be an angel..
invisible..follow him around everyday and looking after him and see what he goes true everyday and help him whenever i can..even though he cant see me or he knws i exists..as long as i can do dat..im happy..

if he loves you,he will come back to you one day even though you let him go..
i hope he will come back to me..
we`re friends now..
i hope we do maintain a good friend relationship and after everything is settle..
i hope he will come back to me..
i`ll be waiting for him..
i will..

i`ll wish him good luck for his studies..since this is what he wants..i hope it works for him..
really hope so..i hope he can manage everything and settle everything and balanced everything that time and i hope he `ll come back to me..i really hope he will come back to me..

i hope he will still loves me by that time..
i hope he will wait for me..
i got lots of hopes for him..

yes even though its hard to let go..it takes time.. it really takes time.. even though it does hurts ..u still have to let go becoz whatever u done and he don`t likes it ..you will make it even more worst..
he will hate you
i dont want that to happen..
but he really really force me.. i know he doing this is for our own good but im still sad about it that he force me to break up and leave him..
it hurts..
yes.. its really really tough believe me..
my mind was so blank that time.. and i almost turn insane ..i keep begging and asking him and saying no but seriously.. he say if i dun do tis he will hate me and dissappear from my life and wont talk to me anymore..
so this is what makes me accepted and hurts me so much..
because whats the use if u love him and he hates you..
at least being friends and u will still got hope and u can still chat with him..
the difference is we cant be that close to each other anymore even though i miss the feelings..
everything.. is all very precious to me..
yes is all very precious to me..

i will wait for him..
i will remember all the precious happy moments that we shared and had together..
i will how long no matter how long it takes..as long as i knw he will wait for me and still loves me.. i hope he will..
i really hope he will.
for me who still loves him..

sigh..! skipping exam tomolo..need to go clinic!!! gastric..arggh.. pain.. didnt eat for 4 days alredy..just drank water..
i have sleeping disorders too now! sigh!


hope things will get better soon..

what`s wrong loving me...

what`s wrong loving me..
what`s wrong putting our photos in ur friendster profile..
why..
all this..
it hurts..
after all 3years..
it just end like dat..
it is worth it..
is being so long..
i love u.. i really do..

My heart really shattered into pieces but i still loves him..

No matter how hard i try.. i beg or ask.. it still be the same.. its being decided d..
it hurts.. it really hurts.. i being crying for past three days ...its driving me crazy.. i cant eat.. i cant sleep i cant even study..it really hurts alot...
seeing the person that u love leaving right in front of u.. love u no more... u cant hold him or embrace him anymore it really hurts... i love him very much..and the relationship for 3years just ended up like dat.. he want to concentrate on his studies
thats what he said..
he can`t concentrate when he`s with me.. he is doing this for his future..for his own good.. i don`t want to see him fail too..i respect his decision then..i already try my best to ask him back and all but no use.. he don`t want to..he said the problem is not with me.. its him.. then i said y not u change for me...he said he can`t..he really can`t.. then i said i will change ..but still he say no..he told me that the problem is nt with me.. then i said y nt give me a chance..he say if i stay with him longer..i will give him trouble..why?
its sad..its really really sad..it just ended up all like that just because he wants to concentrate more on his studies..
it hurts..
it hurts..
letting him go its the hardest thing that i ever done in my life..
but tell me what can i do? he no longer want me anymore.. but why cant he tell me face to face..
why can`t he tell me face to face.. why on the phone.. which i have to beg my fren and him for so long just ask him to call to explain why.. is it there is something that is bothering that makes him don`t want me anymore..
i know im not that good and all but still i did really try my best to change myself to be a better girlfriend to you so that u will love me and there wouldn`t be any problems.. why does this has to happen? can u tell me..what`s wrong with me?
its really difficult for me to accept this.. i love him..
i still love him..
i willing to wait..
but will he wait for me..
will he keep his promise..
after 3 years..
will he still wants me?
all this things..keeps bothering me at night and i cant even sleep at all.. it hurts so much.. tears even roll down from my eyes when i see couples walking around..we were so happy together last time.. yes we do argue and ur feelings are getting lesser and lesser for me each time we argue..but still if u still loves me u should give me a chance..i told u before that i needed time.. i really take my word for it to change.. but it just that u didnt even give me the time.. its nt even a week.. and u said u want to leave me again.. but y.. be4 that we went out together..we were ok ,happy and you did promise me.. you did promise me choon meng that u wont ever leave me again and try to concentrate on your studies and again you broke your promise..
thats what i m afraid of now..
u said you really will keep the promise that i made with u..
so i really hope you will do now..
even though we`re friends now i still hope i get to go out with u whenever u`re free since u promise..
please do msg me whenever u`re bored or u have any problems,please do share with me..
please do come back to me if this doesn`t works..
please keep all the promises that u make..
please do settle your studies as soon as possible because i`ll be waiting for you and i m serious..

it hurts.. losing someone who you really love so so much hurts you alot..
i wonder for how long will i be like this..
i really wish that i could turn back in time..
since you been gone..i cannot breathe for the first time..it hurts so much..
i hope you will change your mind about leaving me..
there is so many other ways..
i can tolerate with it..
i told u..
love hurts..

i really put too much hope in this relationship and didnt know it will ended up like this..
i still loves him... thank you for everything..
i hope u wont get frustrated with me anymore..
since im your friend now..
you can share your problems with me now since last time u said u dun wan to hurt me thats y u`re not telling me..
i really wish that u could have told me face to face about this..
even though i cant accept at first but still the problem is between both of us..
think about it..
85% of all the couples would do dat..

i still miss u..cos i still loves u even though u`ve hurt me..
i really hope u will come back to me as soon as possible..
i know im stupid and i feel desperate to say this but.. i truly love him.. i love him..
thats all i want for now..
i dont want anything else now..

It hurts me..it really does..i cant live without him

it really hurts me alot..i even have tears rolling down my eyes writing this.. i still love him thats y.. i love him i really do..i love him alot and all sudden he said he wants to leave me it is so hurtful.. i feel like killing myself honestly.. choon meng why? please bare with me please.. it really hurts me alot.. please don`t leave me i beg u.. i cant even concentrate on my studies.. i don`t have the mood to study anymore... even exam today... i can hardly even write.. its almost blank ...im sorry cos i really need u.. i do.. choon meng please....
i know no matter how much i beg u u won`t want me anymore..but the only one that i love and i want is you if not i wouldn`t be doing this..i care about u and i need u..
choon meng please...
we are really happy being together when we met ..yes sometimes we argue i know is me but please understand..im really worried thats why i feel afraid..u see even now u want to leave me.. please i beg u.. it`s hard and it`s torturing... please give me a chance..u did promise to not to let me go.. im willing to change but i want u to give me time too.. choon meng please.. its really hard choon meng please.. it hurts.. it really does.. i even pray very hard to make our relationship better please... choon meng..i beg u.. it hurts .. it really does.. u don`t want to answer my call or msg me or meet me to talk about this.. choon meng please... i know u still love me but u`re don`t admit.. i do believe that u still love me.. please.. u promise me..
i can`t even sleep nor eat or even study without u.. choon meng please.. give me time please..
i really mean it.. choon meng.. i feel so weak now.. please..

New bLOggie!!

hehe im gonna start blogging here every day gua..
sob well i really miss my choon meng a lot.. honestly i do felt lonely , i know he`s busy and all .. well it`s college.. he do need his time to catch up with all his studies.. i miss him.. i really do..
sigh i m having exam .. stress up!!! argh! hate exams! i wonder y am i 17 this year.. just wish that i could be in the same age as my choon meng.. ya it is good werh..i mean like spm is over and u can start doing whatever u want to do..

i started to feel like i m getting further and further away from him.. I know he`s busy.. but i do feel afraid..ya it is like me and him are not closer as we are last time.. a lot arguements and misunderstands lately..wonder y.. i think is me who is the one thinking too much.. coz i really do miss him a lot..even we just met a few days ago..

Honestly, i m really sad about this and i really hope to make things better for our relationship.. i love him so so much.. Choon meng i`m sorry for being so emotional.. its just that sometimes i feel like u don`t like to talk to me and u `re trying to stay away from me that much and i feel lonely.. sorry but that`s how i felt..i know u`re busy.. so i`m trying to control myself nowadays.. im really afraid that u`ll leave me one day.. i do.. hope u`re ok with ur studies this days! don`t get so stress up ya..and im sorry bou today about the msn nick `lonely` is not i duwan to tell u.. i feel lonely.. and i dun dare to tell u becos i knw lately i been always like dat..wanting comfort and everything form u sorry.. thats y i didnt tell.. i really didnt mean to hurt u baby and im not trying to get attention from anyone..i stop that habit already really please do trust me..

ARGH exam!!! stress up!! One thing about exam i don`t like it when it comes to add maths exam! u know y??! im sitting in front and im the first person whose paper is gonna be collected..dun have time to check also! the teacher will be looking at me and say `chow ah?? u havent finish ar??` i also like paiseh and just pass her the paper..sigh sad sad.. kinda hard to
study actually cos something its bothering me.. i feel afraid... i afraid that i`ll be dumped cos im not that good and all...
WORRYING!!!! i can`t even control my emotions.. i cry out so easily nowadays... i feel like a spoiled brat who needs pampered and attention form parents.. but what i really one is to be with the one that i love happily.. that`s what i really want ..